.!

What the hell is wrong with everyone. It's like they're trying to make me feel bad on purpose?
What good is it to everyone to make me feel sad? Grovelling in my suffering? What? WHAT? WHAT!!!!!!!!

Nothing is ever fair. I'm always so unlucky.
I don't get it. What is this? What is wrong with me that is just simply so bad?

Went for so many interview, so tired, waiting waiting waiting. Give it my all, I thought it went Good. In the end, it's just a lie. She can get the post. HOW? I don't know. That's the unfairness of it all. She doesn't need that point so badly, she've 9alrd, with another 5 and 1, it's 15!! enough to secure her own room. What about me? PR, 7?! No benefit after so much pain I go through to get that PR?? I need that 9 points and I think I deserve it. I deserve a chance at least to prove myself but noone's going to give me. Why? Why? She already have aircon room, she has scholarship, she's rich, yet she gets what she wanted just like that. She got all the attention, she got everything. ME? I got this room mate, I have to clean the room, have to put up with living in 7th storey without lift, without good facilities. I so have enough of this.

A new start, I told myself. In the end, it never gets better. People hurt me, just like that, without any thoughts of my feelings whatsoever. It's like what did I do to deserve this? I'm not inferior than them. But all this is making me doubt myself, dropping my confidence even more which I never thought could happen. All they seem to care is themselves. SELFISH people. I have to care about them why? While they don't give a shit about my well-being. I'm always being ignored, left behind. Yes, they're smart. Just come to me when there's noone else. I thought this is the end of my tears, yet I feel like crying more than ever. I need you my friends. But they're all gone you see. Nothing stay. NOone stays. Everyone leaves. I hate everyone, I hate everything! I hate how this stupid system works! I hate this unfairness.!

Miss.

I miss you. Somehow in the hustle and bustle of my life now, you're never forgotten. Sometimes I feel moody, I feel alone, I feel depressed, I feel hopeless, I feel useless, I feel inferior, I feel so sad. Knowing you're no longer here like you used to. The times when we're lost in the beautiful ambiguity that is only ours. So painful yet so familiar. And that's what I miss. The familiarity of it all. The sense of security that no one else can give. Yet it's mine no more, you're gone, together with all the life of me. So now I'm here, an empty shell that can be revived only by youu..

Moderation

Happy, or at least alright today. At least for the later part of the day. I was a bit moody coz of my tut mates. Well, I don't quite click with them. It's like JC all over again. All the same type of people. But there's one big mood dropper. This girl, she smells!! She has such a strong BO that I sat beside her until I want to pass out due to the pungent smell. At first I didn't realise it was coming from her. Until we were in an isolated place that I can tell she's the source. Oh man...

Yah, then at night I went to Radio and be a DJ again. Maybe it's really my calling? I love teaching and Dj-ing.=) I'm happy. Now I'm almost cheerful. Soon I'll be Miss Sunshine? =D

ICSF Welcome Tea.

Went for the Welcome Tea to this Christian Soc. Haha. There's a picture of me and my room mates.

Missing You.

Suddenly I miss you.
For the hundreth, thousand, million times.
Only you, yes you, can make me hurt this much.
Knowing that we've history noone can interfere, yet knowing too you're oblivious to everything. Oblivious to my feeling after all this while.

Love doesn't work in a first come first serve basis.
A century of waiting can be in vain just by one day, the one day someone took that someone's heart away from you.
Just like that, and you're left with nothing...
Suddenly it doesn't seem possible again.
Maybe there's a mistake.
Maybe we can still go back, to the time when all seems clear, that it's a matter of time.
But no, life doesn't work that way, coz fate doesn't comprehend fairness.

And so you're gone, just like that.
With me, wishing and wishing in vain.
I get it, I really do get how waiting for unreqruited love can be so painful.

After All This Time...

HAPPY 63rd BIRTHDAY, INDONESIA!!!

HAPPY NATIONAL DAY!!



Yesterday was a happy day. I finally met ''ehm'' after SO SO longgg. We went to Lido and catch a lousy movie called " Journey to the Centre of the World ". It wasn't that bad because I watch it with him. Haha. It's all that matters. =) Miss him WAY too much. Then we went to Borders and Far East to walk2.. =) First time accompany him shop. He bought a pair of jeans and a leather belt. WOo.



It felt like we're a couple if you don't mind me voicing my inner thought. =) Yea, although we're totally in a platonic relationship, but I'm still happy when people thought we're a couple. Haha, I'm so weird.



No matter how long the distance or time that we're apart, I felt the closeness to him. No matter how unreachable and ambiguous our relationship is, I'm used to it. It's this familiar uncertainty that is so special I guess. Haha.

Meant to be Inseparable.

This phrase has been at the back of my head for a few days. Inspired by those who've hurt me actually. Yeah, I wonder how and why I am endowned by this deadly curse whereby everyone will have a ''you like me I like you mutual relationship" whereas I am trapped in the vicious cycle of one-sided hopelessness.

The cycle goes... 1st I'll like a certain someone. 2nd, there'll be coincidences and that someone will give me hope. 3rd, I'll fall deeper after the signal given. 4th, he'll leave for someone else and I'm left hurt. Hurt on my own. By myself in misery, you get the gist.

So yeah, have you ever met a couple that goes one big round before they're finally together? No matter how big the round is, they'll eventually BE together. Also, along the way people will have guessed that these couple will be together. Like they're meant to be inseparable.

Me, on the other hand, is meant to be separated. From all those people I love. Those I treasure the most, they're sadly the one who disappoint me, left me wondering what went wrong and trying to fix the relationship while the other party has long gone leaving me and into a new world. That's life? If it is, Life sucks.

GTD - X

I came to join the Indo orientation in NTU on the 7- 9 August. I came to know this group from my room mate and she registered for me on Sat the 2nd when I arrive in Singapore. Then on Tuesday I came to the meeting for the first time at Old Canteen A near the water cooler. Hehe.


Yea, the meeting was to prepare for the OG intro and the junior performances. From then on, it seems like almost every night I'm involved in the meetings and came home around 11+. Thank God tut start only in week2.





DAY 1. 7 August


It was evening and the gathering was at comm hall 12. Then, we watched performances by the senior and gave our OG performance. My OG sang 3 songs with some actions and lyrics changed. Haha. Nothing much happened I guess.





DAY 2. 8 August


Night Games. It sure was fun. We have to go around the campus to the posts and play different games. First we played the Square number stuff which wasn't that interesting. Then we went to the 2nd post where we're suppose to piece together 2 cut up apples. Haha, things started to get fun. Then the 3rd post. This game is really funny. We're give this scenario where each of us is assigned a character and are suppose to cross to the other side of the ''lake''. The assigned characters have really hilarious adjectives like ''crazy dog" / "paedophile maid"=s After that came the scary station. We were asked to run around the building looking for post it. Then on the way, came out "ghosts". Even tho' I was warned that somthing like this might happen. I was still scared and shocked. Haha, I DID scream. =p Then moving on, we went to the last station which is a game based on CSI whereby we have tp crack a murder crime. Then, went back to Comm Hall to have supper =).



Day 3. 9 Aug.

Went to KBRI in the morning to listen to 4 hours of seminar! It was ok, some of the speakers were good. We were rewarded by nice food after the long speech. After that we've got our outdoor games. We basically went around Chinatown, Clarke Quay and Raffles. A total of 5 posts. The games were : 1. Memory card game. 2. Photograph game. 3. Guessing Drawing. 4. Passing the sentence. 5. Passing the drawing. =)



Day 4. 10 Aug.

Outdoor Games. Was FUN. There were lots of water involved. Again, 5 Games. Shan't elaborate. Haha, coz it'll be too boring! Gotta be there to experience the fun. Yeah, made friends here. Nice, breaking through the anti-social barrier left from my Cj life. Yesh.. Anw, at night we have the finale. Shows by respective OG and I played in a drama. Woo, first appearance. Haha.

So sad it ended. Now all of us going separate ways to feel the full blast of Uni life. STRESS! >_<

Pressure baby.

I'm waiting for my debit card!!!!! Agh!! I think I'll go to POSB tmrw. A has yet replied me, confirming tomorrow. Currently lazing as I'm very sleepy! But promised to go to this BBQ thing in Hall 6 for Bethany. Yea, never been to hall 6, should be quite far. Agh.. I need to study. Catch up. But my brain! What happen to it? I seem to be so dumb. It got rusty after 1 year not in use I guess. Hehe.

2nd Week.

WHoa.. Pressure's rising. Suffocated in the midst of all these smart people. 2nd week and yet I felt I'm way left behind. What am I suppose to do? I need to mug, yet this time round, I told myself I need a social life, not gonna be JC sad story all over again. HOwever, in order to have gd social life, I need time, actually, everything needs time. SO, I'm torn between the devil and the deep blue sea once again.



I think I need time to settle down, create relation, only when everything is settled, then I'll catch up. But again, my self-discipline and motivation have to be full. Sigh, motivation?? I remember it use to be some guy, not gonna do that again? We'll see. =D



Anyway, these few days, wish to tell more in detail. Will do so when I have time.

For now, gotta at least prepare for tomorrow.



Out........

Campus Life.

I'm officially out of school and in campus. Campus life, no longer school life. I realise this means goodbye to a chapter of my life. Goodbye to uniforms and teachers close to me.. Somehow I feel so insecure, so sad, so agonising. This feeling of me in a new life that may be a repeat of CJC years. Oh no, I really don't want to go down that road again. I want my comfort zone. My Sec Schl years, with those people. Back to those times. I really can't seem to let go. Somehow I've got to if I want to move on though.. Sigh.. I need help!! >_<

Oh My...

Back from Indo ytd afternoon. 1st day staying at the hostel. Oh my, I am really in a bad mood. No air-con. Can you imagine? In this tropical land, with blistering hot sun and high humidity, I have no cooling air blowing from the air-con. You'll be pissed too right? Well, trying to adjust.. Tmr is first day of school. So scared. So scared. What am I to do? Hiks.! Enough of this misery, I think I'll write about my holiday in Indonesia.

Well, I was really happy on the 31st July! haha, it was a fun day spent with my 2 beloved cousins; Mai'' and Hans. hehe. In the morning at 10+, M came to my house and we straight away went to H home. We have our lunch there. Then H has to go out to do some errands and so M & I went to buy ice-cream =). Afterwards we went to BSM and we watched Batman : The Dark Knight. Hehe. It was a long show (2hrs 30mins) but it was enjoyable as we bought so much snacks in and we talked during the show which I almost never did. There was this scene when batmobil was damaged. Batman disengaged from the machine appearing to be riding a Motorcycle made from part of the mobil. Anyway, batmobil self-distruct and there was apparently this audience on the front row who shouted : " Sayang mobilnya..." It was really hilarious. Then after the show, H told us that the lady beside him was irritating him. She apparently keep commenting the movie using English. Something like she would suddenly exclaim, " WOW, cool, awesome yeah." HAHAHA.

Anyway, they were going to send me home and on a certain traffic light, suddenly there appear a young boy holding a banner asking for donation for 17 August celebration. Then M, the hot-tempered guy he is, shouted : " Brantas dulu korupsi nya, baru gua kasih..! " Oh mai, he's so damn funny. That's the beginning actually as soon there's this 2nd girl who appear and sell flags and he just wave her away. Then, the third one, a smal boy holding a chicken-feather duster trying to dust our car. Then M was like shouting : "Komo dei sia!! Indit!!" This is really the punchline for me. He is so damn funny!!!

It make me really sad that I have to go... I miss them so much..! =(

Anyway. Happy Birthday H, wish I could be there. HEhe..