I.am.officially.burnt.out.

没力气。

依然周杰伦，新歌依然好听的不得了。
今晚伤心烦恼唯一的安慰也只有他的声音了。

如果超人是我的，我会帮他扛住这个地球，
但超人永远会爱的是那无助的女孩。

而我越来越失去了希望。
想要的，永远也不是我的。

告诉自己还是接受那渺小角落吧。。。

i am very sleepy now.
hikshikshiks..
>_< feeling super unprepared, yet can't wait for this week to be over even before it start..

melancholic.

Today I'm really not myself.
I'm feeling very mellow and honestly I can't seem to find my footing.
My mind is again at a mess, jumping from tohughts to thoughts randomly..

anw,
I was talking to my "未来大嫂" the night before 2011 until 1+am about things I shoudn't even talk abt at this period.
I did tell my brother about this a week ago. HAHA, somehow it's harder to confide in him than to his girlfren.
Ya, my family is so weird.
Individuals sharing a common surname, that's all we are.

The night after 2011 I went to my fren's room to chill.
My dad happened to call and I thought he'll be wondering abt my exam or how I am. NO, that's not why he called.
Same old thing.. same old drama, same old same old same old and I AM SUPER SICK OF IT!!!

I am panicking again now.
Feeling super unease..

splitting headache.
my hot water bottle is comforting.
oh, and 风油。
I feel like a grandmother =(

I finally cave in and had super supper yesterday in my room.
Nissin cup noodle at 12 am + a packet of chips and a bar of kit kat!
See how bad it is if I let myself eat?
>_<

... and not really full actually =p.

Can this exam be different please?
I need to be calm, and just give all my best.
Pleaseee, all I need is a peace of mind.
Not for luck or marks that I didn't earn, just the chance to try my best despite all else.

Nerves, please go away.

I was highly irritated and honestly a bit angry until today.
人见人爱 my ass!!

Grey Or Blue?

THURSDAY.
It was a good day.

I.AM.PANICKING!

Didn't study much ytd and today!!! AGHHHH..
Feeling so frustrated at myself for being unable to focus!!!
I'm feeling the fear seeping in and trying my best to resist it.
With so many unknowns I feel very helpless!
Time's ticking and with it my patience too..

>_< ~!!!

Praying needs to be done to CALM.SELF.DOWN!!!

P.s: Despite the panic and fear and whatsoever, I feel like going out of NTU tmrw. HAHAHA. I must be going crazy!

Cried Out Loud.

I felt exploited, that's why I broke.

Many incidents piled up throughout the week.
With the mounting stress that increases every minute, I know I'm bound to cry...
I just didn't expect to cry that hard.

Monday.
Dissapointment over dinner conversation.

2004 incident was.. indescribable.
It was really an eye-opener of how words can truly insult, hurt and mess up one's mind.

I can joke around, play around, being teased, made fun.
BUT there's gotta be a line somewhere between joking and "harrassing".
I must distance myself because I don't like the way I'm treated now.
Don't mistake my friendliness as a way to walk all over me.
You can don't treat me as a girl, but at least respect me!

I am glad for those frens who were there on monday night to comfort me.
The one who ask me to go home from lwn and sleep it off. =)
The knock on my door at midnight plus and the snacks..
The "are you oks?"
The SMS at 1 saying you're willing to help me for study.
The SMS at 1+ asking for lunch the next day..
The encouragements from my GL...

I think God answered my cry by sending them to me, making me feel I still have a point here.
=)

Thank you to my Dad too, for always listening to my cry and giving me advice and strength.
Sorry for always taking it the wrong way Mom. I wish things were as simple as when I was little and I'm living in my own bubble.


I.AM.NOT.GIVING.UP.JUST.YET!!

A Funny Occurence

It was another Saturday; waking up at 12, drinking teh peng and off I was to LWN.
Sat at Level2 per usual and not long the guy sleeping on my table left.
Came this guy whom I recognised from lecture.
I remembered him because he answered Maths 3 Questions until he was disqualified by Prof Ang to answer any more questions.

So I talked to him..

Me: "你也是从MAE对吗？"
Him: "哇，你会讲华语？"
Me: "哈？你为什么会认为我不会讲呢？"
Him: "我想你只会讲印尼话。"
Me: "你又这么知道我是印尼人？"
Him: "你是从一年就在NTU了吗？我第一年在LKC 就知道了，我坐在后面。"

Haha, I just find it so amusing that he knows me, and even knows what nationality I'm from.
Maybe my fren and I were talking sooo loud, disturbing his lecture until he black listed me?

Anw, he's very nice, asked few questions to him, at least didn't totally feel like studying alone today =).

Pallete CHEAT MONEY~!! I AM HUNGRY!!!
huhu, guess I should sleep.
玉娜，加油！！！　

Side note: Don't ask me to be independent when obviously I am.
AND stop pampering those pampered and saying nothing abt it while asking me to be independent. JOKE or no joke I'm a little offended.

^_^ 晚安！

Can I pour my heart out?

I just came back from a run.. NOT VERY SATISFYING.
Run a while only, not enough!!
Yesterday night I ran alone and it was the best!!
I broke my own record. haha, 34:01:56.!!!
Nothing to be proud of, but still, =).

Anw, I condemned today before it happen.
I thought I should keep my hopes down to avoid disappointment, BUT I am still disappointed.
Even though I think there's nothing to be sad of, there's this pit in my stomach that just won't go away.

Feels like a dejavu...
Didn't study much today, just float by classes today..
Late Late Late for 3 classes.

I am just down, feelings oh feelings, it's tiring being me.
I may smile and laugh on the outside while dying on the inside.
加油！！我会变的！！不要在痛苦中生活了！！

Insomnia Day : 3

For the past 2 days, I've been sleeping at 3+am and waking up 7.30am.
Didn't study at all today, spending way too much money and I'm officially broke.
No more eating outside!!

Everyone's asking me why I can't sleep, I told them it's stress because of schoolwork.
But.. truth is I think there's something else in the back of my mind that I can't get rid off..
Days get by, I thought I'll get better, but it's worse..
Not being able to do anything about it, not having anyone to talk about it makes me helpless at handling this feeling.
I just wish, for once, I am not THAT girl.
That girl that's at the start of the story, but is only there for show, that is in the movie to make the lead actress look good. Just there for comparison, just there... for nothing.

The photo next to me that I held dear to my heart is starting to lose its meaning...
Everything seems to lose itself one way or another in this erratic, chaos mind of mine.

"You see I'm the bravest girl you'll ever come to meet

Yet I shrink down to nothing

At the thought of someone really seeing me

I think my heart is wrapped around

And tangled up in winding weeds...

I don't want to go on living,

Being so afraid of showing,

Someone else my imperfections..

Even though my feet are trembling

and every words I say comes stumbling

I will bear it all, watch me unfold..."

Ahhh, so many things I wanna share with my blog but having writer's block nowadays.

My life has been relatively more interesting these days. =)

Less alone time that is and more activites.

So happy.

Friends can make a lot of difference I guess.

Still having insomnia again from the panic attack of this sem.

Digital Lifestyle is another damper, it has taught me a valuable lesson;

NOTHING IS EVER EASY IN NTU.

Ya, don't believe when people say this subject is easy and so and so coz for me it never is.

I have yet to find a subject that I can easily do with my eyes closed.

But this might be because I have yet to find a subject that's more interesting than my dramas.

Long weekend.

Hopefully it's not wasted=(