Complicated

My life has been the epitome of complicated.

My family is complicated.
I have no idea how a functional family lives.
Until now, it still complicates my life, every single step of the way..
I don't know how to live with them.
I thought I couldn't love my parents, I could still love my siblings..
But in truth, I couldn't love them anymore..
As hard as I tried, it is so very tiring to be in a one-sided relationship..

Love life has always been complicated.
I have wrong concepts of everything..
It gets the most frustrating when it comes to love..
I guess since I have never receive family love, I have weird view when it comes to BGR..
I just gets so overboard when I met someone with the least bit of interest in me..
Meaning I have very little/none self-esteem that I would jump at the very attention any guy give me..

It was painful when I was still single.
I would jump at the guy, responding to every signal, getting so sensitive, that I usually drove them away..
In the end, I was left with a broken heart..
Or for the guys who sincerely liked me but I don't reciprocate, I hurt them..

Now that I am in a stable relationship, it gets complicated twice.
First, when I entered work and I met W for the first time..
I got in a complicated relationship with him because I wouldn't divulge that I was in a relationship..
I got a marathon done better than the first out of that, but other than that, it ended badly..

The second time is now.
When I am engaged nonetheless.
I have been so lonely here in with so much problem..
When I met him, it seems like I feel happier, and that there is a huge comfort in having a friend..
Especially when I had such bad experience in the cell group..
Stupid me, thinking it was all that simple..
It got complicated.....

Complicated life.
Complicated everything.

The one about heartbreaking songs that makes you wanna die

It's one of those days, that the sun doesn't shine your way, and everything seems wrong..
I'm such an emotional person.
I feel so down with everything that's been happening, and also hopeless in what's to come, that I cried on my way home..
I gave up my career and life and friends in Singapore to come back home to family..
Yet the bitter truth dawns upon me as soon as I got back..
That my family is beyond damaged, and that none of them even give the slightest damn about my life..
No-one can help me, that's fine...
But what's worse is that I lost my freedom, and I got judged for every decisions I made..

Life sucks!

Back to square one:
Listening to heartbreaking songs that makes you wanna die.
Indeed back to my natural habit..