It's been a hell of a short week.
Been sleeping very badly this week.
Bad news keeps rolling in and I, together with all the crap, has turned into an avalanche of mess.
Monday was the evaluation for the first meeting I held with my Orientation Group seniors.
I thought the meeting was going to be fun, but it's a wake up call.
1. The reason I have such trouble having a good time and fun with my group is because I have no support at all from them. When I first see the members I really wonder why they didn't consider putting at least some people that I know inside? And I didn't want to be a pain and complain from the start. Coz, how can I complain when I don't know who are they. Then, after the first meeting, it was obvious to me that I need some support from the crowd. I talked to my leader and he sees my point but I'm not sure what he attempt to do or is he just paying me lip-service. Hopefully that's not the case.
After that dreadful meeting, I feel so low and down. I feel like I'm not being a good leader and I don't know how to improve the situation...
2. Then I reached my room with a heavy heart and I called my fren to tell him my predicament. He comforted me and I feel a bit better. I was already crying at that point and my best friend messaged me. She told me that she was a bit sad too and I didn't want to bother her about my story and so I just asked her a few things and talk to her. Then, she told me something that makes me even more down than before.
For the first time, I really get the meaning "it's complicated". I wasn't angry, I wasn't jealous, I wasn't spiteful. I was hurt, I was upset, I was disappointed, I was thinking-too-much.
After more than a decade of friendship, she still don't get me. What I got in my head was "How could she do this? How can both of them be so heartless?"
It was surreal, being upset with someone who's totally not worth it.
It is the funniest thing, to be the one who's hurt when I'm not the one rejected.
But how can they say he say he ever care about me when I don't think so at all.
He don't even bother to understand me and then he complain to her that I never give him a chance?
AND it kinda feels as if she's blaming me....
In fact, my decisions all along was made coz I have them in my mind for crying out loud!!
I don't want to lead him on and I don't want to hurt her feelings..
They, on the other hand, couldn't care less and didn't give a single damn about me.
Maybe I am being oversensitive, but she knows I am this way...
And instead of me always trying to understand others, can't others understand my personalities too?
To be fair, she did tells me about it straight away and I am glad she did.
That is why I have been trying to suppress my irrational and unreasonable thoughts and feeling aside (to no avail)...
And now I feel SO STUPID! And yesh, feeling the urge to wallow in self-pity again.
Suddenly I feel nobody cares about me, no friends and all that.
Even when that's actually not true when I analyse it...
On Monday night after the whole debacle, I sought comfort from my GL Partner and he was nice to me. CF went back to his room coz he wanted me to tell him why I was sad. But in the end I decided to sleep coz it was already 1am and my eyes are painful and swollen.
On Tuesday after work, I went to dinner with CF and told him about everything even though I have vowed to just keep my mouth shut. I really do have a tendency to blab.
Then he called, I don't know why. And, he was frustrated. But can't he tell how much worse I am feeling? And I don't think he cares. Waw, in a blink of the eye, suddenly he change so easily.
I even try to talk to him on BBM, try to tell him how I feel and all. And if he was being serious all the while, he would have come here anyway. Even frens do that.
On wednesday, the BBM continues and so does my emo period. Went running in the evening after calling my dad and telling him how crappy I'm feeling these days..
On thursday, no news from them. But saw his status, as if mocking me? Fine. It's okay. I went to the running track coz DP asked me to accompany him to jog. We ended up not running at all!! Instead, we just walked slowly around the track chatting for... 3 hours!!! Record breaking.. hahaha...
On Friday (today), I spent the day in my room. And so I start to think too much again and I feel terrible. sigh.
But even after so many support I get, I still feel neglected.
Main reason is coz of them.. and the rest.. Well, maybe for another post.
I feel like I can't take it anymore being treated like this.
I should really learn to be more selfish.
