and the ranting goes on...

Has my saying : "this is the worst day of my life" lost it's impact and become the new norm?
I need to open up my vocab selection I guess.

NTU has put me in a new kind of low in life, yesh, it's really testing the boundary of my breaking point I think...

Today's 2 CAs really can't make it. Enough said.
Knowing that it's gonna be wrong and being right about it is painful.

I'm feeling worthless, stupid, lonely, unhappy, no drive for life.
I keep trying to cheer myself up, and ntu keeps bringing me down.
Struggling day by day, going through it with dread.
I keep trying to smile and suddenly another thing brings me down.
I keep trying to catch up to know that when I move forward 1 step I'm 10 feet behind instead of closing the gap.

I HATE lab, every week I drag my feet to 3 hrs of torture and now it's over, but I can't be happy, coz it's gonna be all over again!!!

I HATE hall, dragging my feet back everyday wishing I can be anywhere but here.

Lectures are place for me to escape, to stone coz time seems to be flying by when I go from lecture to lecture. Then I realise I've been so behind in everything and people are saying to me : "What you've been doing?"

Watching dramas? My addiction is due to the lack of social activities, and it really let me pass my time here in hall. It makes me forget, got me lost in the plot, of whatever movie it is, let me dream of a life that's anywhere but here..

So I ask myself, can I call it life when I keep wishing for time just to pass? What is the point then?
Sometimes I feel I've got friends who cares abt me, then another second I find myself feeling so lonely, so hollow, that's how I get emo.

wanna scream, wanna bang the wall, wanna escape, wanna go back, wanna disappear.

On sat I was chatting with my bestie and she told me that MAMA Laurent made an omnious prediction of Bandung. Well, I called my Dad on Sunday and he told me that she was inaccurate, nothing happen in Bandung.. But BUT many earthquakes are happening in various parts of Indonesia.. THEN I heard this song by Adam Lambert that gave me goosebumbs. I love this song a LOT, the tune's so touching. ANW, it's taken from the upcoming movie 2012, which is another predicted year of apocalypse. I heard it's also by earthquake of some sort. THEN I heard my Jap teacher saying that in Tokyo, there's supposedly an enormous earthquake every 50 years and it's been long overdue. So when it does come, it's gonna be around 9 scala ritcher.

I used to fear the end of the world. I heard so many times that the Earth is gonna die. Yet it hasn't come. I remember when I was in kindergarten, I realise that my house is at the foot of the mountain, and that there is an active volcano at the top. I got so scared that I imagine hot lava spewing down the road burning us all. I keep asking my mom for reassurance, and she keeps telling me that it's not gonna blow.

Well, I really must learn to stop worrying about the future. Exams, results, next year, tuiton bond, working, IA, life and et cetera et cetera.

I must start living today and not living on the future.
Live today like it's my last day. hm, I'm far from that.

These 2 days are great... Thanks ngsl, Eric, Hui2.!!!
A little time with friends that I'm comfortable with is really all I need to cheer me up.
=)
On Thurs Eric sat with me during thermo lect, then ngsl came back to existence that day too.
The bunny really cheered me up tremendously I don't know why.
I thought I'm no longer a kid and am way passed the stuffed toy era.
I even laugh when I stare at it. That's so childish oh no~.!
Anw...

A cancelled on dinner tommorow coz he has class gathering and I don't know whether I should be glad or sad?
On the one hand I really want to go out but on the other hand, I'm really LAZY to go town area (which is definitely where we'll be meeting).
Oh well, next week then.. (2nd time postpone).

Speaking of him.. I've been having weird dreams these days!!!
Random unexpected people appear on my dreams.
It felt so real though, I wish for a dreamless sleep tonight..=p

Tomorrow. Hem hem, feels like going out yet LAZY.
I'll just see how it goes tmrw... Must learn not to plan and just sort of see where the day will take me...

Listen to belle of the boulevard. It's lovely =).

My last remaining grandparent; my grandmother passed away 2 days ago (Friday).
I never experienced closeness to my grandparents.
When I was just a mere toddler, both my grandparents from my father's side passed away.
I was told my eldest brother was very well loved by my ah-gong coz he's the first grandson and he carries on the family's name.

My grandpa from mom's side passed away when she was 5 years old, so my grandma was the only one left. I think she's quite formidable for raising 11 kids sort of by herself.. Seriously, how did she do that.. Anyway, she lived in Jakarta and hence I wasn't close to her. I can count how many times I met her. She's also not your typical traditional grandmother. Well, it's hard to explain but my mother's family is complicated, and by that I mean VERY complicated.

When my grandma came to live in Singapore to treat her sickness, I was in JC2 and I was in a bad place in my life. My relation with my mom was so bad that she actually came and scolded me. I know I deserved it but at that time, I was so filled with anger that I didn't really show respect to my Grandma, Uncle, Aunt and most of all my Mom.

I don't know whether she has forgiven me or not.

Although we're not close and we had a riff between us, I can feel the sadness. Again I retreat to my own solitude and distract myself by several unproductive means..

I know she has lived to a ripe old age and has had a fulfilling life and that it's time for her to go.. 生老病死, it's the vicious cycle of life. But I don't know how my mom's handling it. It's like how I would feel if she's gone. Which is why I just can't handle this situation and am not ready for it. So I didn't go today.

This again reminds me of that day during August hol where I went to my cousin's house and look through their photo albums and saw the funeral of my grandma from my father's side. I saw my father's devastated face. He was very close to her, and it got me thinking I really don't know how do one handle the passing of someone close to you..

those who don't wish to read my ranting and complain can just ignore my earlier post. that's why I ''hid'' it.=)

Angry, tired, fed up..

The only silver lining is my new found freedom after a tumultuous recess.
Can't believe the relieved I felt.

I don't know why I'm so bothered, but she's just an ass.
I can't help but be mean to her and snap at her...
I know she never treated me badly, we're barely friends..
But having listened to so many things abt her, I kinda feel angry for him..
Which I kinda thing is another mistake..
I really shouldn't care so much..

Another person altogether, but also related to this ''minute'' incident, has really made me change my mind about these HIM.

From yesterday I asked whether we're meeting today, and was told NO it was only for certain ppl. THEN after IA I saw HIM and I told him I'm going to do my C1 and he never say that I need to go for the meeting.

Then just as I got settled HE called me, and said "oh, we're going to R's hall to have our meeting and can you come?"
I told him I just got to the lab and HIS reply was "Can lah, just leave now... I thought we hand up week 13?"
Can people really be more considerate?
It really sounded so selfish but I'm AGAIN the bad guy for neglecting EID?
HE expect me to ditch C1 and go all the way back and forth?
Waw, such a good use of my time huh?

It's like if I never go then they will certainly think I'm lazing off or smtg, and I will feel very guilty.
But whose fault is it for changing the time and plan at last minute?
And so I'm just suppose to be at their beck and call?

It's not like I LIKE doing C1(especially when the lab is crowded like today). After that phonecall I was very upset and guess who came to sit beside me? That bit** and her cronies. They were creating a lot of noise and it was disturbing. So I have to MOVE and find another computer. Then the lab tech decides to add the finishing touch when I ask for his help.. He said what I ask was too trivial, and that it shows I don't know the concept blablabla..

Oh, that's not the end.. I went to the toilet and cry and the cleaning lady saw me. But what she decide to do? After I come out she call me "小妹，你懂吗，有人丢....." the object thrown that was described is too disgusting to post. This is the second time this happens btw. The first was in CJ's toilet. The auntie called me over and wants to show me ''smtg'', luckily I refuse and again have to endure the disgusting description. Besides, living in hall I SEE these things 1st hand way too many times.. don't need them to tell me or show me.

Saturday actually held some pent up feeling. I met up at them and I never know why I always feel SOOOOOOOOO inferior to them. Standing next to them I feel OUT, just out. I feel FAT, BIG, UGLY, POOR, and simply ashamed of myself...
Sigh, it really spoils the fun, I keep feeling this self consciousness throughout the evening and wishing how I want to be more like them...

I also got pissed when she says.. "you know vivian baakrishnan? His daughter is in my school."
I had no idea who he is and she said a few time with that arrrogant tone "YOU DON'T KNOW? He's from MCYS? C'mon people.. YOU DON'T KNOW??" I said that I don't read newspaper and I don't watch tv. She said that it's no excuse. OK so my GP OFFICIALLY SUCKS too.
I felt belittled.

I start to pay attention again to my flaws.. My many scars, my dark and rough skin, my bad complexion. Oh and how can I forget my tree trunks? Also I suck at dressing up..

I just want to look better, feel better about myself.
Some days I feel I'm ok, but some days I feel like that..


身在福中不知福?? I bet that's what you think of me...

Birthday---

I know it's kind of a late post, after all my b'day is over a loooooong time. But I just want to reflect a little bit over this day.. =)

Many memories over my birthday. Somehow I always feel it's special although the one thing I hate is how common my birthday is.. So many ppl share the same b'day as me.. =(

This year I was a little disappointed to be honest.. Not trying to complain but just expressing my feeling.. I appreciate everything that ppl have done for me ofcourse.. My 2nd bro, Ci Icha, Hans and fam... Adi, Chienyi and Rillen.. All those ppl who wish me by sms and phone and last but not least those who wish me through facebook.. I was happy that so many people rmbrs (or they just so happen to see the notification?). haha.

The reason I was sad is bcoz it's my 21st. I expected something more, not from others but from myself.. It's as if the day just past by so quickly. It passes so fast and I was just doing ntg.. I even slept at 11pm!! Usually I anticipate, and got excited for myself, haha, and waited till1 2, then wait for the sms-es. =) It's really nice to hear ppl wishing me on the dot. So this year I slept but I didn't miss much.. I really didn't do much, I didn't reflect, didn't do resolution, never did anything productive.. and really I have myself to blame..

Then my family, well disappointment 2 is my eldest bro flying off to Bali that day. My dad with his nonchalant. I wish I can try to make something happen for myself.. But I want to be surprised. Haha, funny but, since I expected it, I never got it..

Anyway, overall I'm thankful today, for my friends who put in that effort to celebrate a belated bday for me. It's a simple night, but I'm touched =). Thank you!!

Breaking.

Yep that's what the song I'm engrossed in, breaking by AMR..
Music's the best company, especially the ones that moves you.
I have a weird dream yesterday...
It proves that you can't cut someone out of ur life that easily, it's just the breaking of the habit. It's so hard to get out of your comfort zone because your subconscious mind will repel against change. Change is never comfortable even if it's for the better. But that's life, transient.

I really want to go for exchange or IO, holiday or whatever it is.. Just wanna get off my lazy butt and get out of this rut that I'm living in. I can't always create a routine and stick with it. That way I'm closing up myself and missing out way too much. There was one period of time in my life that I was following the lives of my idols (needless to guess). I went to check for their updates, watching variety shows, getting to know as much of them as possible. Yet I realise the more I do that, the more depressed I become. I see them living out their life, making money and gaining experience going all over the world but I'm stuck to watching it from a small box called television.

I want to see the world, I want to travel... the world's my oyster!!

But most of all, I need courage, to get me to do all that..

Week 9?

Can't even remember what week is this now..
Time is really passing me by so quickly I can only try to catch its silhouette..
Recess seems SO FAST!!!
Can't believe I really didn't study a single bit when I'm there!
So much for lugging back 12kg worth of books back and forth!!

But I did achieve few things this recess..
1. I get to taste my dad's new car, I got to drive it!! =D

3. I actually spent a day with my brother!!! Like went out to eat, swim, walk arnd.. It really makes everything worth while.. I feel so much closer to him!!

4. I did achieve eating so much and being disappointed when I weigh myself as usual. =p

One thing I'm sad is that I don't seem to sleep enough. After the exhausting cycling day, I woke up at 5am. Then Monday I couldn't sleep as I talked with dad until 4am. Then I wake up 6am the next day and couldn't go back to sleep. Then I went out with my 2nd bro the whole day.. So I think that's why I'm sick.. AGAIN!!

This really is a record, sick 2x in less than a month. SAD.

Here I am back in NTU and I feel I'm lagging twice as much compared to before recess.

Well, I try to achieve as much as I can and go day by day..
I need to stop panicking and stop scaring myself..
=S.