The Worst Week of My Life.

I'm constantly depressed this few days.
School work seems to be the largest contributing factor. I find it very difficult to study. There are many distractions around me. Whether its the weather or hall condition, to my mood. Sometimes I have the mood to study yet I have no time to. Other times I have time yet I really can't bring myself to focus with the work in front of me.

I also met a lot of people who irritates me during lab. I can't believe that this is my group for the 5-6 weeks of Lab project, I really don't know how am I gonna put up and get by this Sem. Then my Jap Tutor who seems ok at first, turns out to be an asshole. Yesh, he is. I thought, well, it's ok that he's not native, he says he had 20 years of teaching experience. But after the add/drop period, suddenly the lesson goes faster and he start to scare us. Well, I'm one that's easily scared and I have been intimidated by teachers from my Sec Schl years. I feel really cheated by the way I believe them and the panic they caused me. It makes me into who I am, unable to relax, constantly in panic, not to mention ganchiong and kiasu.

I HATE THIS PLACE. Bought my ticket back for recess, will be going on the Monday. It turns out it's near Hari Raya and all the tickets are expensive and most are even fully booked. What 9 days I have in the end become just 7 days. Don't know what am I gonna do on Sat and Sun, feel like wasted 2 days where I can actually be home.

Then I met N yesterday, it was really a heartbreaking experience. My lecture was after hers and I came in as she's about to walk out with her friend. She saw me and didn't take a glance, just wave without making eye contact at all or stop to say a few words. Makes me wonder did I really offend her or what, until we became like this? Am I the reason? Was she hurt by something I did or I say? I don't even know. I think I did ask her what happen and said sorry if I ever made any mistakes, and I think she replied the usual courtesy, that's all. Not forgetting the BBQ where I came for her and ended up like a fool. I wish I could stop caring, I really wish I could.

Not just about this. Maybe my inquisitive or kepo nature has got to stop. I should stop wondering what went wrong, she doesn't want to be my friend anymore then heck. But somehow I can't. I keep thinking about it like it's a thorn in my flesh. I hate people who are so selfish and have disregard for others. Yet when I tried to care about people sometimes it hurts to see the reply.

My parents tell me not to expect anything in return for what I'm willing to give to others, I might get the return from other people instead. For example, you're nice to A, maybe C will be nice to you and B will be nice to C. I find it true yet I can't seem to get rid of the feelings I have.

E too, he was like, so nonchalant towards me which is expected, but somehow I feel like distant. Which is actually to be expected to. So what do I want? I don't even know, I just feel like I'm losing so many friends. All there's left is me wondering why, what went wrong, what should've I done?

My minds in a whirl. I'm so confused that I'm not so sure what I'm confused about.

Another Sunday.

Time seems to be flying again as usual here. Which is good and btw it's already the end of August, 2009 seems to be fleeting by me.

Received confirmation that S and that girl is indeed a couple. I wanted to go to church next Sunday but she's there. Well, I'm only human, I detest them and I can't pretend and be fake by saying, "oh well, water under the bridge, I give them my blessings...blablabla..". Yet again, it's really not my place to demand him to feel sorry for wad he did coz I believe in karma and I believe he's gonna get what he deserve and when that day comes, maybe I'll be laughing my ass off over his misery. I'm really a bitch right?

Just spend today slacking around without doing much, had lunch at can13. Then went to run in the afternoon when the sun's still there. =p Don't have the mood to study at all. Oh no~, yesterday was spent shopping too.. HOW?!?!

Watched an episode of Desperate Housewives left off from 3 months ago. I love that show. =) Not gonna continue tho', gonna ration myself. Taken out my CD collection and realise I haven't listen to the CD which was burnt for me some time ago which consisted of Japanese songs so neatly organised I'm ashamed of my music collection in this laptop. Enjoying Do As Infinity now with my Audio Tech. Feeling the power of music. Let the music heal my soul...

Thought that Sunday will be very quiet in NTU compound but I saw many people dragging their suitcases along the slopes. Some alone, some with their friends, and it made me realise I'm so thankful for those who helped me, couldn't do it by myself.. Literally lifted my burden.

Life's really a mistery sometimes, surprising me in every turn, especially with the people I've met. I guess I've met many ppl from different walks of life over the course of my life. Some brightens and some darkens my path. Meeting's a pleasure and parting's a pain. But life's transient and one cannot be forever together, that much I believe. Yet again, those you thought are gone from your life may one day reappear again and that's the mistery. I don't know when life's gonna rekindle me with those I want to meet again. I get frustrated sometimes that the friends I treasure is taken away from me. Not knowing whether we'll meet again.

These few days been thinking a lot about Edwina and Novi, missing them a lot. Guess I really treasure them. We're so close, yet now it's like we're not even casual friends. I really hope to meet them again in the next turn.. For now, let me just keep hoping and treasure all those friends who're here for me now...

a lazy the-day-after-midweek afternoon.

I thought I have made my peace with the fact that I'll end at 8pm for Tuesday and Friday. Then came the first temptation this morning when my fren sms-ed me asking me to go out tmrw to celebrate a fren's bday. That's when I realise that my Fridays will never be that of TGIF anymore. Anyway, let me go through this semester. I just want to finish my UE/PE and as many things as poss. With a hope that I'll get to spend my b'day home after 11 years. Praying that God will give me a break.

Met a lot of people these few days. Ophe for one, missing her, used to sit with her during fe1001 tut and gushing about yff. Speaking of whom, haven't seen him this sem. Hmm, should I crash his lect? =p Amanda and Mario, both are super busy with EEEww and running for election this coming 27th August. Wish them well though I can no longer cast my vote for them since I'm now in MAE, where SOME of the ppl are pissing me off day by day.

Familiarising with strangers. In the library the other day, a freshie suddenly came and ask me a math problem which unfortunately I don't know how to do. So embarrassing. Then yesterday in the library, there's a girl who's also Indonesian came to ask me how to print. Met my ex sec schl classmate who's starting ntu this year. Then just on the way here, the Lab supervisor last Tuesday said hi to me. So happy he remembers me. Haha.

Still wondering which textbooks to buy. I think I'm in need of one. The lessons are tough. Oh my~. I need someone I can ask questions to.

You could be right and I'll be real
Honesty won't be a pain you'll have to feel
'Cause I don't need your approval to find my worth
I've been trapped inside of my own mind
Afraid to open my eyes 'cause of what I'd find
I don't want to live like this anymore

There goes my pain
There goes my chains
Did you see them fall
There goes this feeling that has no meaning

There goes the world off of my shoulders
There goes the world off of my back
There it goes

Does it scare you that I can be something different than you
Would it make you feel more comfortable if I wasn't
You can't control me
You can't take away from me who I am
You can't change me
You can't break me

Have you ever felt that your only comfort was your cage
You're not alone
I have felt the same as you
Have you ever felt like your secrets give you away
You're not alone
I have been there, too

Everyone is looking
and everyone is laughing but I think everyone feels the same
Everybody wants to feel okay
Everybody wants to feel

Lifehouse - Quasimodo

Lifeboat...

I feel like a float, floating on the vast, endless sea without any sense of direction. I met you and you're drowning. If I'm your lifeboat, hold on to me. But you got to reach and grab me coz I can't pull you. You gotta make an effort to meet me halfway. I'll bring you safely to shore. Again, you gotta paddle, you gotta direct me. All I can do is support you, share your weight, but you gotta paddle. And I know you will.

Don't give up. Never give up. It might be the easy way out, to leave everything behind. But what about those you left behind? Be brave, I know you are. Life's tough, though some had it easy. Just think, when you're at the trough, the only way is up. When you thought it can't get any worse, the only way tommorow's gonna go is better. So live through tonight, and tommorow's gonna be an easier day. Even day must give in to night, difficult days will have it's end. You might just have to wait for tmrw for the turning point, won't it be a pity not knowing what could've been?

I believe in you, why won't you believe in yourself? I'm so grateful that you stayed, that you won't leave me behind. I'll be here for you. Whatever hard days to come, let me be your silver lining in you stormy season. Just stay around, things are going to be better.

Sem3

Back, at last. From Tuesday up till now, many things have happened. Had a killer day on Tues; reaching at 9am, moving my things, 1hr lect + 3hrs lab. Somehow I prefer this than coming back on saturday. Yes, this is how much I detest NTU. So much, and intensified now that I'm back.

My dreams are gone, my spirit is broken. Aimlessly going through this life. First week's already been stressful. What with me thinking of taking 23AUs + EID, life's gonna be hell. And the thought I can't even go back for recess, my misery is officially complete. But I think I got to try. I may fail, but I don't care anymore. I'm just finishing what I've started. Shouldn't have started here.

Mistakes. I'm not perfect, never was, never will. I made many wrong moves, I'm never innocent though I wish I am. I've hurt many people and maybe karma's coming to find me. Some intentional and some by accident, I have not cared about those around me. My mom taught me, when you're angry at someone, you hate that person for his/her doing, think of the good things. There must be a positive if that person's ever a friend to you. And so I took her advice, and felt that because of a single thing, I forgot the million nice things you've done for me.

Past. Let's call him S. It was never that serious, he never made that much of an impact. When I saw him again, I felt hatred, really deep hatred towards him. Somehow, I feel that I'm toyed, that's one. Second, I feel that he doesn't feel a hint of remorse for what he's done to me. I don't like him. It's true, but the way he treated me was unacceptable for me. I think of the good things he's done. But for this, only for this, I can't seem to cast that hatred. I feel like slapping him, scolding him and telling him what a !@#$$$ he is. I didn't know I have that much anger in me.

Conclusion. Ntu had me stressed, made me cried million of tears and many of the people here hurt me. From P, that condemns me, another person that treats me like crap, to F who I thought was a gd fren but has sometime make me angry... until S, the worst case. In the place I need support, I face ppl who brings me down. Maybe I'm oversensitive... yet I can't not feel hurt. I know I'm going to be numb soon,

NOOOOO, I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK!!! EVEN WHEN I FEEL IT IS TIME I NEED TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE!!! STILL, MAKE ME GO ANYWHERE ELSE!!!