View From my Balcony

Swollen Eyes.

I so don't want to be here.
It's so fixating to have to live in this condition.
I really don't know what to do.
Sigh.
Came back yesterday night, I'm so tired. Yet there're tons of work to be done...
I came back all the way lugging 8kg of bag from Changi to Boon Lay, continued by bus ride + climbing 7 stairs up.
Then I swept the floor, mop the floor, spray my room with air freshener (doesn't help).
Change my bedsheet, did my laundry, get my water, take a bath, take my clothes from the washing machine 3 floors down on the utmost end, and finally hung them..
All in 2 hrs.
Then I have to face her and her nonsense.
I hate being the prodigal child, and yet I can't help it.
Yesterday, it really feels I'm at my breaking point, yet here I am, managed to go through yet another day...
Now I'm trying to put some life into my hollow self.
Sigh.

Upset

Lost my roomkey + mailbox key + keychain.
Everyone's like telling me it's no big deal, yet it's really making me down.
I feel so sad for losing my stuff.
The worst is, I have a nagging feeling the whole day, I don't know what's wrong with me today...
I'm just not that elated when I think of going back tomorrow.
Various reasons...
Sigh...

tiring day...

Today was super busy for me...
In the morning from 9.30am - 12.30pm, straight on 3 tutorials.
Fe1005, Fe1001, FE1007 respectively...
Then there's actually 3hrs break, but it feels like nothing.
Just went back to my room to enjoy my bubble tea and then I have to go at 2.30pm coz I was planning to go to popular to buy the book for HL813.
But you know what? the book is like 15cm x 1.5cm and it costs $22.50.
Freaking ex lah, so never buy..
Then there's no laminating paper..
Geez, wasted trip.
Then 330pm FE1001 lect ^_^''~
I'm so in love with YFF. <3
hehehe, he's my motivation now...
lalala...
hahaha...
Anyway, then 4.30pm-7.30pm I attend HL813 Lect.
It wasn't boring, but it is tiring.
Learnt a lot I must say, but still think I should S/U it as I have no confidence.
Then, I bought subway and eat for like 30mins (v. fast for me) before I went running with C.
Happy to have company in running today.
First, coz it's nice to have someone to talk to, so you don't dread the distance.
Second, he's fast, so my pace can stay the same/faster, which means improvement.
But now, I'm so so tired...
Plus tomorrow lab, the one thing I detest most..
Grrr....
Wednesday is my only strength!! >_<

OMG!

Maths
Making
Me
MAD.!!

Anyway, ytd I decided to call my dear friend.
Was actually sad that she didn't contact me since she came back.
Haha, actually she did, just that I did not receive her sms.
oh well, anw, glad I called her as we talked a lot.
Me more I guess.
Telling her everything really helps, feel quite liberated.
After all these time, I guess she's still my best friend no matter what.
I mean, we seldom meet, she got many other closer friends now, but somehow I'm just glad I still have her. =)
If you're reading this, I thank you again for being my friend for all this while.
I'm also glad that she made her decision and is happy with someone =).
I'll support you all the way yeah.. haha..

Then late afternoon, I talked to him, yeah.
Well, no surprise there, scold each other a lot, then it's like, suddenly told me how he chatted up an SPG. Hmmpf, not sure how to react or feel.
Gosh, I'm so robotic sometimes, to choose how I want to feel?
Haha, it's just so funny.
In the end I just choose not to care.

Lately, many comments on my appearance.
I'm that bad? Lookwise?
Well, I'm glad though, coz I'm starting to care how I look again.
Wanting to change my appearance.
Seriously sometimes I disgust myself..
Haha, that bad, really...

Anyway, can't wait for my 8pm.
It's the best routine I have!!
Love chasing my own shadow everynight, not to mention running my ass off (hopefully). =D

15 more minutes.
Overall, Wednesday's the silver lining in this dark life of mine ^_^.
Gonna come too long..

Parting's pain..

I'm blogging again.
These days this is the only channel of my frustration and also my best companion.
Everyday's a mess for me.
Not sure how to live my life.
This sure is a problem, coz honestly, I don't see a point anywhere.
I mean, turning 360 degrees in infinite plane, it's just chasm.
I should be happy that I'm going back again, with a cheap fare too.
But why do I feel noone wants me there.
I should be happy my eldest brother is back, but why do I feel that he's a stranger intruding instead?
Why do I feel that I'm replaced?
That I'm always the last resort?

There's only 3 reasons people find me:
1. They need something from me.
2. They're super bored.
3. I'm just a substitute coz the actual person they wish to be with is not there.

I'm too much of an idealist, where I believe in the goodness of people.
But the fact is, in this world, everyone is selfish and everyone's always thinking of their own end.
I want to be happy but I don't know how.
Mixed up, messed up life.

Welcome KF350.~

Haha, finally, FINALLY bought a handphone.
Went with the LG ice-cream in the end.
I should be psyched I know, but somhow I'm just hollow.

Contemplating whether to go back on CNY or not.
It actually boils down to him, can't believe I'm that dependent on him.
It's like, if he doesn't want to see me, going back will be just as painful and might as well agonize here.
Can't believe I'm saying this.
But on the other hand, what am I going to do on CNY?
I'm really torn between the devil and the deep blue sea.
Hmmpf, nothing new, I'm always having this problem.
Handphone, for months been dwelling and pondering.
Finally, made a decision, now comes another one.
Sigh..

Help.! Help.! Help.!
I guess I'm having the smallest-child syndrome where I always need someone to rely on..

2009

Doesn't feel like the new year, although it's already the 2nd week.
I can't feel the rush of the new year like I always do.
No feeling of hope and desire at all.
I don't feel anything.
No motivation, no strength.
I feel glad that NYE and NYD was v v pleasant.
I end 2008 and start 2009 with someone I...
well, someone I have very complicated relationship with.
Leaving, unknowing what's gonna happen now that I'm no longer able to spend every waking minute with, it's tearing me apart.
I remember one day, I was surprisely woken up, it was such a shock.
But that is really something I like, pleasant surprises.
Although it happens that only 1 time, well, a surprise is only surprising the first time...
fufufu... =p

STARS

But I don't feel the excitement, instead, it just reminded me that the Add/Drop course period is coming to an end. Yet I haven't made any solid decisions on what courses to take.
The main problem is that I'm not sure I can handle it. I mean, my core itself is already a mess, I need some PE/UE to help pull up my grades, not sink it any lower (which I don't think is possible, given I'm already at the bottom). Let me rant on about the irritating-ness of STARS.
I hate it, hate it, hate it!!!
It's like friggin' irritating to fight for spaces for courses.
The school expects you to take on compulsory courses yet the spaces are all full.
Same thing with hall, people in need to stay in hall coz of the illogical geographical location of this school, yet there's not enough space. People have to fight for rooms.
Honestly, what kind of system is this.?
Back to the STARS. Wth.
Have to wait in front of computer waiting for someone to drop a course you desire.
I get it now why we're labelled gan-chiong and kiasu, the system in Sg trained us to be so.
Somemore, this course is difficult, that course is difficult..
I got scared pretty easily and this is making me rethink again of the courses I got actually.
Then again, if I do drop these courses, what am I gonna take?!!!?!?!?
All the rest are 0 vacancy.
!^&*()(*&^%$#@!

Hm, angry early in the morning, not a good trade.
But I guess I'm having my meltdown syndrome again.
T_T
HElp!!!

TGIF??

Aghh.. Body aching, so lazy to head for class in 15 minutes!! =S
Anyway, new day..
Stop thinking about 3 years later and everything, this sem has just started.
Plus, take it a day at a time.
I wanna quit being a worrier.
Looking forward to Sunday.
Finally getting a phone!! Yippee...
I guess people are quite irritated of me deciding and deciding which phone for over 4months.
Phew, lost 4months in just deciding?
Haha..
Anyway, thanks to m1 promotion I got to call on a cheap rate.
I don't think it's any use though coz when I ask : "Are you cheered up now?"
Guess what, just a little bit..
Hmmmpf, quite sad by that actually, suddenly not meaning anything, or never was?

Longing..

I dreamt of being a special one just for that someone.
I want to be pampered, to be loved,
most of all be the one you want standing next to when everything falls into place.
I want you to want me, not need me, not to cure your boredom.
I want that comforting shoulder to rest my tired soul.
I want that voice that change my blue days to orange.

Most of all I don't want vague lines anymore.
I want a firm, clear, definite line drawn.
Mutually exclusive.!


I once was told " To the world you may be someone, but to someone you may be the world. "
Well I want to be the world for you coz you are my world.
Let us live in our own world...everlasting, not evanescence.

Ocean Avenue...

If I could find you now things would get better,
we could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere somehow, we'd be together..
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away...

There's a piece of you that's here with me
it's everywhere I go, it's everything I see
When I sleep I dream and it gets me by
I can make believe that you're here tonight.

I remember the look in your eyes, when I told you this was goodbye...
You were begging me not tonight...
Not here, not now...
We're looking up at the same night sky, keep pretending the sun will not rise...
Be together one more night, somewhere, somehow...