The Worst Week of My Life.

I'm constantly depressed this few days.
School work seems to be the largest contributing factor. I find it very difficult to study. There are many distractions around me. Whether its the weather or hall condition, to my mood. Sometimes I have the mood to study yet I have no time to. Other times I have time yet I really can't bring myself to focus with the work in front of me.

I also met a lot of people who irritates me during lab. I can't believe that this is my group for the 5-6 weeks of Lab project, I really don't know how am I gonna put up and get by this Sem. Then my Jap Tutor who seems ok at first, turns out to be an asshole. Yesh, he is. I thought, well, it's ok that he's not native, he says he had 20 years of teaching experience. But after the add/drop period, suddenly the lesson goes faster and he start to scare us. Well, I'm one that's easily scared and I have been intimidated by teachers from my Sec Schl years. I feel really cheated by the way I believe them and the panic they caused me. It makes me into who I am, unable to relax, constantly in panic, not to mention ganchiong and kiasu.

I HATE THIS PLACE. Bought my ticket back for recess, will be going on the Monday. It turns out it's near Hari Raya and all the tickets are expensive and most are even fully booked. What 9 days I have in the end become just 7 days. Don't know what am I gonna do on Sat and Sun, feel like wasted 2 days where I can actually be home.

Then I met N yesterday, it was really a heartbreaking experience. My lecture was after hers and I came in as she's about to walk out with her friend. She saw me and didn't take a glance, just wave without making eye contact at all or stop to say a few words. Makes me wonder did I really offend her or what, until we became like this? Am I the reason? Was she hurt by something I did or I say? I don't even know. I think I did ask her what happen and said sorry if I ever made any mistakes, and I think she replied the usual courtesy, that's all. Not forgetting the BBQ where I came for her and ended up like a fool. I wish I could stop caring, I really wish I could.

Not just about this. Maybe my inquisitive or kepo nature has got to stop. I should stop wondering what went wrong, she doesn't want to be my friend anymore then heck. But somehow I can't. I keep thinking about it like it's a thorn in my flesh. I hate people who are so selfish and have disregard for others. Yet when I tried to care about people sometimes it hurts to see the reply.

My parents tell me not to expect anything in return for what I'm willing to give to others, I might get the return from other people instead. For example, you're nice to A, maybe C will be nice to you and B will be nice to C. I find it true yet I can't seem to get rid of the feelings I have.

E too, he was like, so nonchalant towards me which is expected, but somehow I feel like distant. Which is actually to be expected to. So what do I want? I don't even know, I just feel like I'm losing so many friends. All there's left is me wondering why, what went wrong, what should've I done?

My minds in a whirl. I'm so confused that I'm not so sure what I'm confused about.