Just because I am bad at confrontation..
People can make me angry, walk all over me, treat me like crap..
Just because I don't say a word, because I let it go, doesn't mean I feel good..
I feel like crap..
And after holding all that bad emotion, instead of treating me nicer, people still have the nerve to blame me and make me seem at fault..
I am an absolute imbicile..
Someday I wake up wishing I am dead.
Dead, hoping my heart just stop beating, so that for once I don't have to feel hurt..
Complaining about complaining..
Another incident few weeks ago that kinda still makes me feel so angry and sad..
So this fren of mine keep saying to me to stop complaining.
After a while I just don't talk to him for sometime coz I feel pissed.
Then he came and talked to me asking me how am I?
I answered, same old same old.
Okay, and he asked why?
And so I told him little bit about how I am feeling at work.
And he said stop complaining.
Man, if you can't stand me, then why you ask?
I gave you a window to stop if you don't want to hear more but you asked again why why why?
So I am suppose to lie to humor you?
I am simply being honest..
And come on, stop saying as if I am so uselessly whining and whimpering coz I did try to overcome my problems by myself..
I just feel lighter if I share my burden with friends but since you don't understand and you just think I am being a pain, just stop there and stop!
Coz I always try to respect your values and can't you do the same?
I thought about this incident again on Friday when I was forced to join team lunch at a fancy restaurant.
I told them I don't want to eat expensive stuff and they simply ignore me and go ahead to queue.
It got me thinking in NTU how my fren complain everything is expensive..
I always try to be considerate and try to choose affordable places to eat, below $10 at least..
And you know what? They still COMPLAIN to me expensive2..
After that below $5 is also expensive2..
Do you think I like hearing their complaining? NO.
But I value their friendship and still try to accomodate them.
They don't seem to ever, EVER appreciate me for that..
I told them I hate it when we eat in canteen that they keep complaining it is expensive..
But they just blatantly ignore everything I say..
And it hurts me to be treated this way..
To be told to stop complaining when I needed support.
And I NEVER make them difficult when I tell my complains..
It probably just hurts their ear to hear me..
But they never see how I still get up and go to work on time and try to deal with the issues I complain about..
Can they say they are punctual like me? NO.
But they judge so easily coz judging is so easy.
They never seem to be able to see that people prioritize different values.
Like I prioritize punctuality and they prioritize their religion.
I always try to respect their values and their priorities, but they never did the same.
Well, that I can still understand, always coming late on appointment and all..
But to continuously throw their values at my face, forcing me to prioritize the same thing as them is unbearable..
I guess that's my limit..
And I got so mad thinking about all these things..
Maybe it's my karma, for being so bad to my mom, I got treated this way by people around me..
That nobody gives a single damn of the single things I said because I am just that bad at confrontation..
They think I will just be okay by myself once they leave me for sometime..
Sometime I do, after I got so mad I calm down and I think I am wrong..
Or sometimes just to avoid conflict I just say it's okay..
But sometimes when it is too much, and it's been repeated too many times, that's it..
I don't want to pretend to be fine and keep everything inside anymore..
"Lost my mind thinking it through,
the light inside has left me too..
Now I know what empty is,
I've had enough of this.."
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